All the Wrong Reasons

I have been going to church, tacking on the name Christian, for three years now. My attendance to the Sabbath services has been kept up to par, my willingness to help serve always eager. But why? Why have I been a 'good' Christian? Because love God? Yes, of course I do! But I fear that that may not be the most prominent reason for my loyalties to the church. God tells us to relish in Fellowship, but we should not put Fellowship's throne above His own. I am not a social person. In fact, I do everything in my power to avoid social situations. Except church. I love my Roanoke Seventh-Day Adventist family. And before them, I loved my Smith Mountain Lake one. They are all such wonderful people that I find I am snared in a web. Now the strands are breaking and I realize I was not holding on, but simply being held onto. I've fallen, and I can't get up. Church is not about God for me anymore. My enthusiasm each Sabbath morning was supposedly directed at Him, but why does it die now that things have changed? He hasn't changed on me, so if the joy had been for Him, I would still be enthusiastic. Unfortunatly, I'm not. I don't dread church, but I find no push. The only things that have changed are all about people. Man. It shouldn't bother me that these things change, my love for worship should not be so conditional. But it is. My Family, pray for me, and I will surely be praying for you. Church has ben motivated by all the wrong reasons for three years. Let today be the day that I stand and say "I am going to church this Sabbath with a smile pulled tightly across my face, because I love God." and let it not continue to sing the tunes of man.

Not So Important...

I have been having an exhausted existance since getting a job all those months ago, but I am, today, having a breather (before jumping into some serious Christmas shopping tomorrow). For this, I must throw out an apology to all my readers. This entry is not some deep spiritual thought process of my own. I am jumping around taking some thoughtful quizzes and sharing my results. That is it. Maybe they hold some legitimacy, but one can never know. If you feel pulled towards a quiz I have presented, let yourself give in. God works in mysterious ways...maybe that pointless little quiz will tell you something that you have been denying yourself to know about yourself. Maybe you're angry or sad and you have refused to accept that; the answers you give to certain quizzes can push that to focus and then you can pray and set your mind to fixing that which has caused such awful mindsets in that fragile mind of yours.

Your'>http://blogthings.com/howareyouspiritualquiz/results/?result=Active">Your Spiritual Style is Active and Powerful

You are bold, adventurous, and even brazen. You feel like the world is your oyster. You are pioneering and an outside the box thinker. You believe in possibilities. You believe in fighting for what's right. You get fired up from all the injustices you see. You are a problem solver. You want to fix everything that's broken in this world.

http://blogthings.com/howareyouspiritualquiz/">How Are You Spiritual?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

You'>http://blogthings.com/areyouarebeloraconformistquiz/results/?result=Conformist">You Are a Conformist

You are generally happy to go along to get along. You rather avoid conflict whenever possible. You don't mind following the crowd. You don't have to act different just to get noticed or feel good about yourself. Your tastes and preferences are classic. And classic never goes out of style. You don't try to conform, but you don't find a need to shake things up too much. You're happy with what you've got.

http://blogthings.com/areyouarebeloraconformistquiz/">Are You a Rebel or a Conformist?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Our Quizzes Weren't Written By Bored 12 Year Olds

You'>http://blogthings.com/whatkindofhappyareyouquiz/results/?result=Blissful">You Are Blissful

You are passionate about life and thrilled with the world. You aren't just feeling good... you're feeling great. Happiness comes easily to you. You are a truly radiant person. People feel your warm, jubilant vibes. You truly make the world a happier place. And a better place too.

http://blogthings.com/whatkindofhappyareyouquiz/">What Kind of Happy Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com">Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

You'>http://blogthings.com/areyouearthfireorairquiz/results/?result=Air">You Are Air

You are a quirky, flighty, and zany person. You change with the wind. You are highly creative and often inspired. You love to be spontaneous and hate restrictions. You have a yearning for travel and adventure. You want to have a wild and crazy life. You actually feel a bit more balanced when there is structure and stability in your life, but you avoid it.

http://blogthings.com/areyouearthfireorairquiz/">Are You Earth, Fire, or Air?

http://www.blogthings.com">The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings

You'>http://blogthings.com/whatpartofthemorningareyouquiz/results/?result=Alarm">You Are the Alarm Clock

You don't have much of an opinion on mornings. No matter whether you like them or hate them, you have to get up. Your mornings tend to be a bit of a rushed affair. You have to be out the door by a certain time, and you have to hustle. You are not a big fan of wasting time, and the morning is no exception. You have a lot to get done, and it's time to get cracking. It's fair to say that you're on autopilot during the wee hours of the day. You have mornings down to a science.

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You'>http://blogthings.com/areyouburnedoutquiz/results/?result=89">You Are 89% Burned Out

You are extremely burned out. You work too hard, and you're not getting the results you deserve. It's time for a life change, as soon as you can manage it. You're giving away most of your energy to something you don't even enjoy.

http://blogthings.com/areyouburnedoutquiz/">Are You Burned Out?

http://www.blogthings.com">Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

You'>http://blogthings.com/areyouaparanoidschizophrenicquiz/results/?result=64">You Are 64% Paranoid Schizophrenic

You definitely have a chance of being a paranoid schizophrenic. Crazy or not, you certainly don't have a good grip on reality!

http://blogthings.com/areyouaparanoidschizophrenicquiz/">Are You A Paranoid Schizophrenic?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

You'>http://blogthings.com/whatperiodicelementareyouquiz/results/?result=Iron">You Are Iron

You take your time and make sure things are done right. You hate to make mistakes, no matter how big or small. You choose your words carefully to make sure you communicate effectively. You always get your point across. You aren't afraid of adventure but you don't seek it out. You rather tend to your own garden. You pride yourself on being detail oriented. You never forget about anyone or anything.

http://blogthings.com/whatperiodicelementareyouquiz/">What Periodic Element Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

You'>http://blogthings.com/whatbigcatareyouquiz/results/?result=Cougar">You Are a Cougar

You have more strength than most people, and with it, the ability to inflict a lot of harm. Your power gives you confidence, and you find leading others to be easy. You believe that you need to the best, and you are very driven to excel. Most people immediately admire you, but some people feel very envious of your abilities.

http://blogthings.com/whatbigcatareyouquiz/">What Big Cat Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

You'>http://blogthings.com/howspiritualareyouquiz/results/?result=6">You Are Super Spiritual

You are in touch with the world around you, and you find peace in connecting with others. You believe that every life is special and that every life has a purpose. You value harmony and understanding. You try not to judge, bicker, and fight. As simple as it sounds, you truly think it's important to make the world a better place.

http://blogthings.com/howspiritualareyouquiz/">How Spiritual Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

Your'>http://blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourauraquiz/results/?result=Blue">Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

http://blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourauraquiz/">What Color Is Your Aura?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

You'>http://blogthings.com/thejungletest/results/?rone=4&rtwo=1&rthree=2&rfour=4&rfive=1">You Are Wise

You are a protector and teacher. You help people deal with their struggles. Right now, you are seeking peace and tranquility in your life. You are drawn to people who are passionate and deep. You feel like there are many major things in your life that need to be changed. You are quick to react. You are courageous and bold.

http://blogthings.com/thejungletest/">The Jungle Test

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

You'>http://blogthings.com/howdoyouthinkquiz/results/?result=Creatively">You Think Creatively

Your brain works best when you let your intuition be your guide. You like to imagine, speculate, and fantasize. You have fun playing with ideas. You are interested in theories. You enjoy studying and developing them. You are drawn toward art, philosophy, and even math. Almost every subject is interesting to you.

http://blogthings.com/howdoyouthinkquiz/">How Do You Think?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

Your'>http://blogthings.com/whatdoesyourtasteinmusicsayaboutyouquiz/results/?result=UpbeatAndConventional">Your Taste in Music Says You're Cheerful

Your musical tastes are upbeat and conventional. You are an easy going, optimistic person. Family and friends are very important to you. You enjoy caring for and helping other people. You thrive in a tranquil environment, and you do your best to keep things peaceful. You enjoy your life. You have your priorities straight.

http://blogthings.com/whatdoesyourtasteinmusicsayaboutyouquiz/">What Does Your Taste in Music Say About You?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

You'>http://blogthings.com/areyouadventurousquiz/results/?result=Extremely">You Are Extremely Adventurous

You are adventurous to the point of being reckless. You need to keep your adrenaline pumping. You have a playful approach to life, and you get a lot of joy from taking risks. You like to life in the moment. Like most adventurous people, you get bored easily whenever you are between thrills. Try to find adventure in everyday life. Eat a new meal or make a new friend. That will hold you over until your next big fun experience.

http://blogthings.com/areyouadventurousquiz/">Are You Adventurous?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

You'>http://blogthings.com/howexpressiveareyouquiz/results/?result=Somewhat">You Are Somewhat Expressive

You are the type of person who has a lot of thoughts... too many to express all of them. You are astute and downright smart. Your intelligence is subtle and shrewd. When something is important enough, you will tell people about it. You like to mull things over for a while. You are deeply intuitive. For you, gut instincts will always trump logic.

http://blogthings.com/howexpressiveareyouquiz/">How Expressive Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

The'>http://blogthings.com/whatisthemeaningofyourlifequiz/results/?result=Legacy">The Meaning of Your Life is Legacy

You want to live the kind of life that will change the world. And you want to leave a bit of your influence behind. Whether you become a novelist, philanthropist, artist, or inventor, people will miss you when you're gone. You want to serve both future and present generations. You feel like you've been blessed, and you want to share the wealth. You want to be remembered and celebrated. It may be a lofty goal, but you're up for the task!

http://blogthings.com/whatisthemeaningofyourlifequiz/">What Is The Meaning of Your Life?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

You'>http://blogthings.com/thefourfactorselfactualizationtest/results/?a=3&h=1&f=3&t=1">You Are Somewhat Self Actualized

Your awareness is high. You notice everything - you are extremely detail oriented. Your honesty is medium. You're somewhat open, but there are a few secrets you keep to yourself. Your freedom is high. You need to be completely independent and free to do whatever you feel like. Your trust is medium. You can trust others, but it takes a while for that trust to be earned.

http://blogthings.com/thefourfactorselfactualizationtest/">The Four Factor Self-Actualization Test

http://www.blogthings.com">The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings

You'>http://blogthings.com/whatdoyouneedtobehappyquiz/results/?result=Success">You Need Success to Be Happy

You are a responsible and serious person. You like to do things well. Reaching your goals is very important to you, and you don't like getting sidetracked. You feel great when you are mastering new tasks and solving problems. You believe in hard work. Nothing makes you feel worse than feeling like you are doing a bad job.

http://blogthings.com/whatdoyouneedtobehappyquiz/">What Do You Need to Be Happy?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

Your'>http://blogthings.com/whatsyourinnercolorquiz/results/?result=Orange">Your Inner Color is Orange

Your Personality: A total daredevil, you'll try any thrill. You're easily bored and you prefer to be on the go. You in Love: You see love as an adventure, and you find most men dull. You need someone who challenges you! Your Career: Your ideal job is flexible, fun, and maybe a little dangerous. You have the makings of a private investigator or extreme athlete.

What's" Your Inner Color?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

You'>http://blogthings.com/doyoupromotepeacequiz/results/?result=Sometimes">You Sometimes Promote Peace

You probably consider yourself a peaceful person, but you're not as peaceful as you could be. You tend to avoid conflict or even sometimes actively prolong it. You need to be right. If you truly want to promote peace, you're going to have to put your ego in check. Make amends even when you don't feel like making them. Forgive and forget. That's how peace happens.

http://blogthings.com/doyoupromotepeacequiz/">Do You Promote Peace?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

You'>http://blogthings.com/howdoyoudealwithconflictquiz/results/?result=Calmly">You Deal with Conflict Calmly

You don't know how to be anyone but yourself, and that's part of your charm. You are genuine. You are everything you seem to be. You keep it real, and you aren't too good to be true. You try not to make a big deal out of anything. You are good at keeping life's problems in perspective. You are self-assured and self-reliant. You have a lot of confidence in yourself.

http://blogthings.com/howdoyoudealwithconflictquiz/">How Do You Deal With Conflict?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Your'>http://blogthings.com/whatsyourdominantpersonalitytraitquiz/results/?result=Inquisitiveness">Your Dominant Personality Trait is Inquisitiveness

You are an imaginative and curious person. You are excited to learn about the world. You are interested in all sorts of topics. You like to understand history and how things work. You are both a tinkerer and an intellectual. You probably enjoy working with your hands and more passive activities like reading. You have many interests and hobbies... and you're always looking to take on a new one.

What's" Your Dominant Personality Trait?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

Dreams'>http://blogthings.com/whatlightsupyourlifequiz/results/?result=Dreams">Dreams Light Up Your Life

You don't mind reality, but your fantasy life is so much better. You are an expert daydreamer. You let yourself escape whenever you need to. You don't think there's anything wrong with a little daydreaming. You are helpful and inclined to comfort those in need. You like to make a difference. No matter how many times you've been hurt or disappointed, you remain hopeful. You are resilient.

http://blogthings.com/whatlightsupyourlifequiz/">What Lights Up Your Life?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

Your'>http://blogthings.com/areyoulivingthewronglifequiz/results/?result=60">Your Life is 60% Off Track

Right now, you're taking things one day at a time. Some things are going well, but you can't help but wonder if you're getting the most out of life. It's time for you to slow down and reflect a little. You can change your life - but it's up to you!

http://blogthings.com/areyoulivingthewronglifequiz/">Are You Living The Wrong Life?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

You'>http://blogthings.com/howshouldyoudestressquiz/results/?result=Exercise">You Should Exercise

Part of what's stressing you out is the anger you feel toward others or the situation you're in. You don't want to be stressed out, but factors out of your control are really messing with your mind. You can work out some of those demons in a productive way through exercise. And it can be any exercise you choose. Go for a walk or a run. Chill out with yoga. Really get out some aggression with boxing. In the end, you'll be glad you did it.

http://blogthings.com/howshouldyoudestressquiz/">How Should You De-stress?

http://www.blogthings.com">Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

That Tiny Voice

I have a serious issue; I seem to be a mental masochist. I do not relish in injuries to my body, but I continuously abuse my mind and emotions. I, quite often, get raw with such devastation from things that should not be there. I have an issue; if something hurts me, I make myself relive it over and over again.

Have you ever heard the saying 'don't beat a dead horse'? As much as I hate the phrase, because of its mentioning of a dead horse and beating horses, I have come to realize that it is a practical statement. When something has happened, sure, you have the right to dwell for a short amount of time. But once it is put to rest, LEAVE IT THERE.

Isaiah 43:18 says, "Give no thought to the things which are past; let the early times go out of your minds." This scripture could not be more lifesaving.

Everyone knows that I had a big "thing" go on last year with some people. I won't go into detail because I really don't have the right to since I am not the only one involved. Well, it took quite a while for me to beat down the hate and pain I had bubbling in my gut, but I did put it away. Recently, I was driving by an gathering of those people I warred with and I made myself stop to say hello against my better judgement. I know God was telling me I was foolish and that I should continue on to my friend's party, but I let Satan have his way. What harm could seeing former friends do? I mean, some of the people there still had my heart! There was only one man I did not want to see. Why pass up the opportunity to see a bunch of people I love, simply because one foe is in the presence of them?

I saw no harm done.

After I drove off, having pretended to smile even as the man I was angry with shook my hand, I felt the little bubbles in my gut start again. All that forgiveness I had built around the hate began to get gnawed away at. The rage surfaced back up, alongside the sorrow. I had done myself a deep disservice when I chose to go against the call of God. He urged me to press down the gas and turn off my directional, but I had ignored Him and took life into my own hands. Now I am paying the price.

Friends, please listen to the whispers of the Father. When He nudges you for or against something, listen. That tiny voice, that twisted gut, it is all His work. He wants you happy, Child, and He knows how to make it happen. Don't make my mistake by ignoring His wisdom for a split second.

The price for it is your joy.

I am working to get my smile back to be honest again. All the wounds that took a year to heal have been torn back open in a matter of seconds. Before you think you know better than God, think to yourself; is it worth it?

The Comfort Zone; Satan's Tool

If you ask someone what they think of me, often the response will be a Christian with some mild mood issues. That's what I appear to be on skin level. A good little Christian girl that sometimes lets people push her buttons. That's just if you ask a random person who knows me. But if you really want to know who I am, ask those who I am really close to. They will give another short, only slightly surprising answer: she's a Christian girl with a sharp tongue and some confidence issues. That is almost right...almost. If you ask me, I will act all macho and say that I'm a Christian who falls short of God every day but stands back up after every trial.

Lies. Every single one of them.

You might be thinking that the description outside the term "Christian" are what I say are lies, but that just is not true. Until recently, I had been in a slow moving slump with my faith. Now, I knew I was far from being a model Christian. I have many flaws I will always be working on. But the fact of the matter is I did think I was strong by my keeping faith when life hit some rough waters last year. I thought my heart was beating normally and my foes all forgiven. The pain was gone...

Another lie. It was only hiding.

Way back when I joined the church about two years ago, I was one of those "display Christian's". I wore the shirt of Jesus, but I only acted as such because my friends were all God-fearing beings. After some time I was chipped away at and eventually my heart accepted the Lord as my own personal Saviour. Life was good. Very good. Perfect, even.

Within a relatively short amount of time, that existence came crumbling down around my feet. I got depressed. I got angry. I screamed. I cursed. I cried. I questioned God. But like the good little robot I was, I wanted to please certain people so I buried the feelings. It took some time, but I eventually even convinced myself that the pain was gone. That the absolute and utter hate had been vanquished. That I was a good little Christian who loved the world and everything in it.

This past Sunday, I was blessed with visiting the church of my much loved English teacher, Arie May. Normally when I visited another's church, it was more for the fellowship of it and the curiosity. I'm a Saturday attendee and all other services are mere pleasures....But this was different. I walked in and, despite being uncomfortable at first, I began to feel an odd peace come over me. Before I could get too settled into a state of spiritual awakening, the service ended and we all made our way to lunch. Then Ms. May and I took off for some ice cream so I could show off my local general store. As we explored it, she offered me the opportunity to go back for the evening mass with her. I lept onto the idea enthusiastically and soon found myself, once again, sitting in the Bible Truth Tabernacle pews.

This service progressed in an even more entrancing way than the morning one. I found myself "dancing" with the other members, singing as loud as my lungs allowed. Then prayer began. At this point, I had tapered off and started back into my shell I put on when things begin hitting a more personal piece of my heart. This shell had even me in mystery as to what my heart really felt. I knew there was some emotion in there somewhere, but it was locked away and I had lost the key.

One of my best friends, Amanda, came over with a friend of hers. Amanda was in tears and she put her arms around me while praying for the world to hear. Her friend saw my lips twitch and assured me that crying was okay, told me it was just Jesus coming into my heart and that I should let Him in. I closed my eyes and soon I felt Ms. May's hand on my back and heard her uttering prayers as well. Moments later, the pastor's hand was on my forehead and he was praying for me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't cry. I don't believe in crying with so many eyes on me. This was all against everything I held dear. Heck, I didn't know what bothered me so no way was I about to discover myself in front of so many people!

Afterwards, I had still not cried. Amanda and I sat down, Ms. May taking a seat on my other side. The woman offered a kind smile and then I admitted that I did not believe in crying in public because it made me feel weak. She patted me reassuringly and told me she understood, saying I could cry in private if that was where I best heard Jesus.

Later, in the car, she inquired as to what I thought of her church. "Well, Sister Arie," I began with a smile for I rather liked the church's habit of calling everyone Sister and Brother, "it was a very different experience and I enjoyed every second of it!" My enthusiastic smile faltered and slipped into a blank mask once more. "Sorry I did not cry...I just...I did not realize my heart ached so much."

"Lindsay, I have been meaning to ask you about what happened with you and the old church. I remember you writing something about all was perfect and then everything went wrong...Don't feel obligated to share, but I suspect that is what is clouding your heart and holding it tight."

"You're right, Ms. May." I then went into the details of the situation, unable to keep the burden to myself any longer. That pain and anger that I had thought I had previously vanquished, was alive and well, waking from hibernation, fed by the church I had just taken part in. The church let me know that feeling these things were okay, I just had to release it out and trust in God with it.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and don't lean on your own understanding. In all things acknowledge him, and he shall direct your way. Proverbs 3:5, 6

This is more of a personal narrative than I feel is proper for a Sabbath sermon, but I felt it gave a clear example of why we must not let our comfort zones rule our lives. If I had not gone outside my bubble, I would still have that pain and anger locked in my heart because, however much I love my church, it just wasn't what I needed to confront those hidden emotions. Albert Einstein once said that the definition to insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

So, Brothers and Sisters, go above and beyond the routine you now follow. There may be something bothering you, in a crevice that God can't/won't go without your permission. The only way to release it is to do something different, something that will speak directly to that little bother and make it lunge forward to a place where you can tackle it and hand it to God. Satan wants you to find a comfort zone. Once it is in place, it is hard to overcome. And as Einstein explained, nothing will change if the pattern remains the same.

Give Up the Remote

Have you ever seen Click? It is a movie with Adam Sandler with this amazing remote that can control life; fast forward, rewind, pause...all those fancy buttons that come in handy on a television remote control. He is able to pause when he needs a breather, skip forward when life hits a burdensome streak, rewind to see where he had messed up.

Do you ever feel like you could use a remote like that? I know I do. A lot. More now than ever before. You see, it is testing time for High Schools across America. Not just any tests, but Advanced Placement (AP) testing. These are the big tests we have all been training for all year...or should have been. If we pass the test, we save around $1500 on college tuition. But if we fail, well, that is a waste of a year's Hardwork. And I do mean Hardwork with a capital "H". Even someone like me who has done the minimal all year has had to work until you drop. I don't study, I simply do the hand in work and pass by with an average grade (a "B" or so). Sure I fail every test, sure I don't actually get the information to stay in my head, but I am passing. That is all that matters.

Yesterday was a day of recognition. I am close with my Pre-AP Chemistry teacher so I sit and talk with her every morning. Well, Thursday morning she made a comment that drilled instantly into my very soul. "So, your Biology class today is your last one before the AP Biology exam!" My smile dropped. My heart stopped. I gasped and shouted a loud "Dangit". I was so preoccupied with enjoying myself that I had let it slip from my mind what was approaching. I had not studied all year. In fact, I did not know how to begin studying because I had never studied in my life. I knew that if I walked in to the exam at that moment I would get the lowest possible score.

I lost it.

The rest of the day was littered with bouts of tears. I was going to fail. I had thrown $1500, that could have been used for college, down the drain. My irresponsibility had put me behind. There was nothing in my mind that said I could do it. I looked around for people to hand me a magic hat that could instantly inject the knowledge into my head. I wanted a special remote to rewind time so I could take the year's classes over again so I could learn the material. No, I just wanted to press the pause button and make it so the test never came. I had given up before I had even started. I let myself get buried. I threw tantrums when I got home, full of self-loathing as I buckled under the pressure. "Why should I study? There is no way I can cram a year's knowledge into my head in three days! I give up!"

Crying, I lay with my head buried in papers. They were biology papers for I had considered studying. I instead had lost myself in my own misery and used the papers to hide my shame and wipe away my tears. Why even bother taking the test? Why give the effort when it would all be mute? "Lindsay, go take a hike and pray. Then come home when this is all out of your system." My mom made the suggestion and left my room, leaving it up to me whether to act on it or not. Minutes passed as I continued to wallow in hate, but I eventually climbed to my feet, put on my shoes, ran out the door, jumped over my fence, and ran through the trees until I came to my Prayer Spot.

I am a strong believer in never ceasing to pray. I tend to converse with God with each step I take. But there are not many times I fall to my knees and spill myself before the Lord. Only in my special little crevice beside a gently running creek with the water bugs and frogs and dragonflies, and occasionally deer watching me, can I look to the sky and scream. I know God can hear my silent thoughts, but here is where I know no-one can hear me. This is my spot. I made the trail to it and it looked overgrown whenever I went so I know no-one had made use of it. Here is where I challenge God, cursing Him. I know He hears me and forgives me for the hurtful things I say. I know He does not deserve the accusations I place against Him. But only when I lay them out on the table do I even realize they have been festering in my heart. I shock myself quite often when I begin emptying everything out in my little, protected Haven from the world. In this spot by the creek, my deepest secrets have been shouted. My fears and pains that I did not even know I had come flying past my lips.

This is where I remember that I can not be in control.

As I shouted to the Heavens, crying out in hate, shame, sorrow, and whatever negative emotion that can be piled on there, I came to the point where I fell silent. Blinking rapidly as one often does when the wires connect in the far corner of the brain, the corner with the shadows and cobwebs, I wiped away my tears. Peace began to envelope me and I could imagine God, whom had been sitting silently like a father waiting for their child to come to their own conclusion, smiling and nodding His head. He knew I had come to understand that it was time to give up the remote.

I could not keep pausing and rewinding my life. I had tried to handle it all on my own, balance the stress of everyday life and this new addition of the AP Biology exam. But I am so weak. Psalm 62:8 says,"Trust in Him at all times…. pour out your heart before him. God is a refuge for us." As Matthew 19:26 states, only through God are all things possible, even those things that are impossible for men.

In the movie, Click, Sandler's character finds his whole life fast-forwarded. His life is in ruins; his wife had divorced him, his kids are hateful towards him, he's overweight. At the end he dies, but then his life is rewinded. He finds that special remote again and simply throws it away, having learned that he is unable to have that kind of power. Will you be like Sandler, who gives up the remote, knowing he can not do it himself? Or will you continue to keep that remote in your hands, trying to balance it all alone? You have someone who is willing and able to help, you just have to give up the remote.

Master of Disguise

(Psalms 37:8) 8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath. Don’t fret, it leads only to evildoing.
(II Timothy 2:24) 24 The Lord’s servant must not quarrel, but be gentle towards all, able to teach, patient,
(Ephesians 4:31) 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander, be put away from you, with all malice.
I smile. I laugh. I joke. I dance. I sing.
But I am neither nice nor happy.
I was sitting in History class just a few days ago, the class I let loose and allow my true form leak through. My teacher is a comedian (literally) and some of my goofiest friends are in that class with me. Sometimes I even would turn to minor foulness and violence, just to work my way up the ranks of being cool. I thought I was being nice. I never took myself serious. I was blind to how often I showed a true sense of anger over minor issues. Not just in history class, but in my entire school day. I remained ignorant to this fact until one of my history class buddies turn to me an laughed, "You have gotten angrier and angrier each day since the second half of last year!" This was the same boy who continuously raised me up saying how pure I was. He even commented one day that he was surprised the rapture didn't happen when Ms. A May and myself were in the same room, since we were both together and it'd be easy to have us both carried up to Heaven.
Anyway, I laughed when he said I had gotten angrier and angrier, brushing it off carelessly and without a second thought. It didn't matter. It was all in his head. I wasn't changing. That night I was laying awake, mind repeating those words over and over. The truth hit me with brutal strength, forcing tears to my eyes. I was angry, and I hadn't been a year ago. This time last year I was smiling, not allowing the dramas of life to bother me. And I was nice. I was patient. Annoying people were tolerated by me, burdensome learners lifted up by my want to help. But now I would scowl. I would scold. I would curse. I hated every body, and I admitted it openly. The peaceful Lindsay with a burdenless heart had died, replaced with the old girl of Rhode Island. The girl who considered humans to be a race of viruses on the world. A disease that I hated and wanted to destroy.
That one statement from an unknowing friend has changed my life. I am still angry. I am still hateful. I am still cruel. But I am aware. I am trying to change my life. I am calling on Jesus, which I didn't do when I had not yet noticed my changed attitude because I didn't think I needed it. I had been under the impression that I was still a Christian. I attended church. I prayed each night. I did a morning and evening Bible study. But my heart was elsewhere. I had lost my soul and didn't notice. It wasn't that I hadn't cared, I just had become blind to my own fury. I was not in control of my anger, my anger was in control of me.
So I write to you, Brothers and Sisters, and ask that you give yourself an examination. We are all vulnerable and the Devil can strike at any time. Satan has the power to overpower you and gain control without us even noticing. Talk to a friend that you know will be honest. Just because you smile and laugh doesn't mean your happy. It could just be that Lucifer is a master of disguise.

We All Need Saving

I know of many who follow my writings here on this site. There are people in America, Australia, India, Florida, and beyond who take the time to hear what pours from my heart. But it has been a good length of time since I have written here, and I feel a prick of shame for abandoning not only my readers, but also dropping the Mission of spreading God's word. The feeling of self-loathing at first was an unbearable one, even when I did so much to hide it. When alone, I'd fall to my knees and weep, knowing my path had take a turn for the worst. Once a soldier of Christ, marching proudly with His banner waving over my head, and then I had melted into a slave of the Devil. But not anymore.

Things here are going to be different. The wear and tear of having the obligation to bring forth a sermon every Sabbath was a burden that I folded beneath. I admire my pastors for what they do, and anyone who writes weekly the Word of God, but it is not a cross I seem capable of wearing. However, like my dear friend, Amber Clark, my life is littered with so many tales of God's mercy and grace. So this site was once a keeper of sermons, and it was ultimately my spiritual downfall. Now it will be a journal, a keeper of my spiritual journey. I won't be bolted down to merely Sabbath teachings, but I will express Christ's love whenever it seems notably present in my life.

This site was not the only cause of my downfall. Sure, it did not aid in building me up as it once had, but events in my life had made me weak and vulnerable to breaking. Writing a weekly sermon was simply the final straw that sent me into a spiral downward. I began to question God's loving grace, and I even wondered if there was a God to serve. My academic enthusiasm began to decline as a result of my leadened heart. If there was no God to serve and please, what use was all this work? Why appease mankind if I don't even like a thing about them? What is there to like about them? They are disgusting, selfish, idiotic jerks with no morale. The only thing that had been keeping my humanitarian standards afloat was the knowledge of knowing humanity was God's favored group. The idea of us being His children let me know that, though some were evil, there were many more who were kind. Once the thought of God perhaps not even being real crossed my head, I fell back to my pottymouthed human hater. Except on Sabbaths. Oh gracious, I would never misbehave on Sabbath. Except my reasoning for that changed; I was being a good little girl on Sabbaths because I had adopted a young girl, Hannah, as my little sister. I wanted her to be a good girl, so I had to be one. If not for having her watching my every move, I would have undoubtedly began defiling the holy day of rest.

Everyone knows my initial opinion about my job. Three or four Sundays into it I texted my friend, Jenna, and I quote, "I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job." Does that sound like a Christian attitude? Of course not, but then again, I had secretly declared myself an atheist once more. I wanted money for college and the Appalachian Trail, but why should I have to do something so boring and stupid to earn it? Oh pity me, world! I deserve the sympathy of mankind as I parade around in this idiotic costume and pretend I am happy so that drivers will be brainwashed into turning into the lot! I was going to quit, but my gut instinct told me not to. I didn't realize it at the time, but that job would become a highlight of my every week. Actually, I didn't realize it until this past Sunday--and look, I only have three more Sundays left. Bummer.

My seemingly pathetic little job is what saved my life. Waving for five hours gives me more than enough time to listen to music and attempt at prayer. A majority of my music are Christian songs so I listened out of boredom as I waved to the passing drivers. Every once in a while I would look to the clouds and ask God to do something for me. When no immediate response happened, I'd smirk and scold myself for talking to a cloud. It wasn't until two specific songs played that I had my eyes opened. They played one right after the other, and then the MP3 glitched and they played again in the same order. God was reinforcing the message.

Come to Jesus by Point of Grace was the first song to play:

This is for the weary and the weak. Yeah, I am weary and weak. What's it to you?
This is for the desperate and ashamed. I'm not desperate and ashamed! Oh wait...maybe a little.
This is for the hopeless hiding in the shadows. There's nothing to have hope for so of course I am standing in the shadows. This stupid world won't stop and wait for me. Screw them all.
cupping hands around a flickering of faith. I have no faith. God isn't there!...But I want Him to be...God, why did You walk away? Maybe I still know You're up there, but why are You ignoring me?

This is for the one's who don't belong. I don't belong anywhere. I don't need anyone...
This is for the silent castaways. No one even sees my tear stained eyes...
This is for the sinner peaking through the stained glass I have done so many wrongs, no wonder God has pushed me away.
from a sidewalk in the cold driving rain. I don't even deserve the Father's warmth.

We all fall down. What? Really? I'm not all alone?
We all need saving every once in a while. There are others life me? But surely I am worst then the rest...
You are not all alone. Okay, now you have my full attention. There is still hope for me? There are others on this journey with me?

We all lose faith and lean on mercy. God, do You really have enough mercy to hold me up?
And through our darkest night, He said He'd wait for us. You will wait for me, Father? Really? I couldn't ask You to do that.
Just come to Jesus. That is all I have to do? I just have to accept my Saviour again and You'll take me back?

For anyone who's given up on God. I have to tell You, God, sometimes I feel like You turn a blind eye to my suffering...
For those who tripped and fallen out of grace. I am such a clumsy fool. Father, it will take a lot of insurance for You to take me in as a client.
For anyone who's lookin to the bottom of a bottle, for strength to make it through another day. I tell you, Father, my weak and my heart is getting tired over here....

He did not come to raise the living or touch the eyes of those who see. Well, I suppose that makes sense...but, seriously, I am a lost cause. Don't worry Yourself.
It was for the bitter and the burned-out. Hey...that sounds an awful lot like me.
It was for the unforgivable. What? You're willing to forgive even people like me??
It was for the failure, standing on the bridge, because the guilt's too high a price to pay to live. Huh...wow. Father, You really do care.


I honestly just gave yall my exact thought process with every significant line of the song. You can see how I teeter-tottered in some places. The next song was Big Enough by Chris Rice. Now, this one really sealed the deal because after Come to Jesus played the second time, I was having the self-loathing return. I mean, I had questioned my Father! Now that I was assured He was there for me, I couldn't believe the unbelief I had had. The thoughts of self-disgust began to gnaw away at me...but then Big Enough played a second time:

None of us knows and that makes it a mystery. God, I have a scientific mind who likes physical evidence...but, even so, I can't believe I questioned You. I don't deserve Your mercy.
If life is a comedy, then why all the tragedy? But all these awful things are happening to me and around me. God, why?
Three and a half pounds of brain trying to figure it out, what this world is all about. I feel so stupid...Why can't I just follow You blindly like those in my church? I'm sure they don't question--I can't see Ms. June, Ms. Carol, Pastor Kitney, Hannah Doudiken, or Mrs. Plomaritas questioning! Why am I such a failure?
And is there an eternity, is there an eternity? I want to say yes, Father, but I just don't know.

God if You're there I wish You would show me, and God if You're there I need You to know me. I need some proof, Father! If all that happens to me are awful things, how could I ever think You're there? I just don't know...
I hope You don't mind me askin the questions Seriously, Father, I should just stop. Please, close my damn mouth right now. I don't deserve You or Your patience.
But I figure You're big enough, I figure You're big enough. Wow, hold the phone, Chris Rice! Why should we tempt the Lord like this? We can handle our own problems--He shouldn't have to deal with it.
'Cause I am not big enough. Hey...you're right, Chris....And I think God knows that. No, I know God knows that. I'm not big enough, but He is. I am weak, but He is strong. Wow...

I understand I didn't do the whole Big Enough song, but I don't feel I need to. I did the parts that hit me, and hit me hard. There was a God in Heaven that loved me, and He would hold the burdens too big for me to bear. These songs reminded me that I serve an AMAZING God who actively works in my life on a very personal way. And as those songs rejuvenated my spirit, I felt the Holy Spirit inhabit me once more. I lifted my eyes to Heaven and raised my hands to the sky in praise, right there on the sidewalk in a Statue of Liberty costume. And I prayed, out loud, singing the words to the skies.

It was during that time that God reminded me He had been with me even before I had gone back to Him. The week before I had mumbled about me needing a pocket Bible for the Appalachian Trail, but that I didn't want to waste my own money on one (mind you, I was in a secret atheist state of mind at this point so I needed it for reputation, not for my own devotion). Moments later, a nice Christian couple pulls up and gives me a pocket Bible (King James version) AND a ten dollar bill. Then, right before the songs that changed my life came on this week, I had felt an overwhelming hate towards mankind. My job had made me grow to love my fellow man, for many gave kind waves and friendly smiles--but the day was not so pleasant. Based on one bad day, I had labeled humanity back to being moronic jerks. And then a young man pulled up beside me and gave me a beautiful orange flower, rekindling my belief that there really is some good in the world.

Finally, God is working feverishly to bring my life back on track now that I have welcomed Him back into it. My favored cat, Geronimo, had been missing for a couple days. I stayed out until 1130PM looking for him last night and finally retired to my bed in solemn defeat. This morning, he still wasn't coming home. I stumbled to my room and kneeled by my window in tears. I lifted my voice up to Jesus, asking for my Geronimo back. As I opened my eyes, who do I see staring from the driveway into my window at me? Geronimo! You see, God answers prayers, even to those who fall and fall again. I like to think of myself as another Mary Magdalene, the woman who Jesus cast seven demons out of. Everyone stumbles and falls, sometimes even to the same sins over and over again. But He will be faithful and as long as we earnestly plead, Jesus is willing to forgive the most unforgivable things.

Because, the truth is, we all need saving every once in a while, and He is big enough to do it.