I know of many who follow my writings here on this site. There are people in America, Australia, India, Florida, and beyond who take the time to hear what pours from my heart. But it has been a good length of time since I have written here, and I feel a prick of shame for abandoning not only my readers, but also dropping the Mission of spreading God's word. The feeling of self-loathing at first was an unbearable one, even when I did so much to hide it. When alone, I'd fall to my knees and weep, knowing my path had take a turn for the worst. Once a soldier of Christ, marching proudly with His banner waving over my head, and then I had melted into a slave of the Devil. But not anymore.
Things here are going to be different. The wear and tear of having the obligation to bring forth a sermon every Sabbath was a burden that I folded beneath. I admire my pastors for what they do, and anyone who writes weekly the Word of God, but it is not a cross I seem capable of wearing. However, like my dear friend, Amber Clark, my life is littered with so many tales of God's mercy and grace. So this site was once a keeper of sermons, and it was ultimately my spiritual downfall. Now it will be a journal, a keeper of my spiritual journey. I won't be bolted down to merely Sabbath teachings, but I will express Christ's love whenever it seems notably present in my life.
This site was not the only cause of my downfall. Sure, it did not aid in building me up as it once had, but events in my life had made me weak and vulnerable to breaking. Writing a weekly sermon was simply the final straw that sent me into a spiral downward. I began to question God's loving grace, and I even wondered if there was a God to serve. My academic enthusiasm began to decline as a result of my leadened heart. If there was no God to serve and please, what use was all this work? Why appease mankind if I don't even like a thing about them? What is there to like about them? They are disgusting, selfish, idiotic jerks with no morale. The only thing that had been keeping my humanitarian standards afloat was the knowledge of knowing humanity was God's favored group. The idea of us being His children let me know that, though some were evil, there were many more who were kind. Once the thought of God perhaps not even being real crossed my head, I fell back to my pottymouthed human hater. Except on Sabbaths. Oh gracious, I would never misbehave on Sabbath. Except my reasoning for that changed; I was being a good little girl on Sabbaths because I had adopted a young girl, Hannah, as my little sister. I wanted her to be a good girl, so I had to be one. If not for having her watching my every move, I would have undoubtedly began defiling the holy day of rest.
Everyone knows my initial opinion about my job. Three or four Sundays into it I texted my friend, Jenna, and I quote, "I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job." Does that sound like a Christian attitude? Of course not, but then again, I had secretly declared myself an atheist once more. I wanted money for college and the Appalachian Trail, but why should I have to do something so boring and stupid to earn it? Oh pity me, world! I deserve the sympathy of mankind as I parade around in this idiotic costume and pretend I am happy so that drivers will be brainwashed into turning into the lot! I was going to quit, but my gut instinct told me not to. I didn't realize it at the time, but that job would become a highlight of my every week. Actually, I didn't realize it until this past Sunday--and look, I only have three more Sundays left. Bummer.
My seemingly pathetic little job is what saved my life. Waving for five hours gives me more than enough time to listen to music and attempt at prayer. A majority of my music are Christian songs so I listened out of boredom as I waved to the passing drivers. Every once in a while I would look to the clouds and ask God to do something for me. When no immediate response happened, I'd smirk and scold myself for talking to a cloud. It wasn't until two specific songs played that I had my eyes opened. They played one right after the other, and then the MP3 glitched and they played again in the same order. God was reinforcing the message.
Come to Jesus by Point of Grace was the first song to play:
This is for the weary and the weak. Yeah, I am weary and weak. What's it to you?
This is for the desperate and ashamed. I'm not desperate and ashamed! Oh wait...maybe a little.
This is for the hopeless hiding in the shadows. There's nothing to have hope for so of course I am standing in the shadows. This stupid world won't stop and wait for me. Screw them all.
cupping hands around a flickering of faith. I have no faith. God isn't there!...But I want Him to be...God, why did You walk away? Maybe I still know You're up there, but why are You ignoring me?
This is for the one's who don't belong. I don't belong anywhere. I don't need anyone...
This is for the silent castaways. No one even sees my tear stained eyes...
This is for the sinner peaking through the stained glass I have done so many wrongs, no wonder God has pushed me away.
from a sidewalk in the cold driving rain. I don't even deserve the Father's warmth.
We all fall down. What? Really? I'm not all alone?
We all need saving every once in a while. There are others life me? But surely I am worst then the rest...
You are not all alone. Okay, now you have my full attention. There is still hope for me? There are others on this journey with me?
We all lose faith and lean on mercy. God, do You really have enough mercy to hold me up?
And through our darkest night, He said He'd wait for us. You will wait for me, Father? Really? I couldn't ask You to do that.
Just come to Jesus. That is all I have to do? I just have to accept my Saviour again and You'll take me back?
For anyone who's given up on God. I have to tell You, God, sometimes I feel like You turn a blind eye to my suffering...
For those who tripped and fallen out of grace. I am such a clumsy fool. Father, it will take a lot of insurance for You to take me in as a client.
For anyone who's lookin to the bottom of a bottle, for strength to make it through another day. I tell you, Father, my weak and my heart is getting tired over here....
He did not come to raise the living or touch the eyes of those who see. Well, I suppose that makes sense...but, seriously, I am a lost cause. Don't worry Yourself.
It was for the bitter and the burned-out. Hey...that sounds an awful lot like me.
It was for the unforgivable. What? You're willing to forgive even people like me??
It was for the failure, standing on the bridge, because the guilt's too high a price to pay to live. Huh...wow. Father, You really do care.
I honestly just gave yall my exact thought process with every significant line of the song. You can see how I teeter-tottered in some places. The next song was Big Enough by Chris Rice. Now, this one really sealed the deal because after Come to Jesus played the second time, I was having the self-loathing return. I mean, I had questioned my Father! Now that I was assured He was there for me, I couldn't believe the unbelief I had had. The thoughts of self-disgust began to gnaw away at me...but then Big Enough played a second time:
None of us knows and that makes it a mystery. God, I have a scientific mind who likes physical evidence...but, even so, I can't believe I questioned You. I don't deserve Your mercy.
If life is a comedy, then why all the tragedy? But all these awful things are happening to me and around me. God, why?
Three and a half pounds of brain trying to figure it out, what this world is all about. I feel so stupid...Why can't I just follow You blindly like those in my church? I'm sure they don't question--I can't see Ms. June, Ms. Carol, Pastor Kitney, Hannah Doudiken, or Mrs. Plomaritas questioning! Why am I such a failure?
And is there an eternity, is there an eternity? I want to say yes, Father, but I just don't know.
God if You're there I wish You would show me, and God if You're there I need You to know me. I need some proof, Father! If all that happens to me are awful things, how could I ever think You're there? I just don't know...
I hope You don't mind me askin the questions Seriously, Father, I should just stop. Please, close my damn mouth right now. I don't deserve You or Your patience.
But I figure You're big enough, I figure You're big enough. Wow, hold the phone, Chris Rice! Why should we tempt the Lord like this? We can handle our own problems--He shouldn't have to deal with it.
'Cause I am not big enough. Hey...you're right, Chris....And I think God knows that. No, I know God knows that. I'm not big enough, but He is. I am weak, but He is strong. Wow...
I understand I didn't do the whole Big Enough song, but I don't feel I need to. I did the parts that hit me, and hit me hard. There was a God in Heaven that loved me, and He would hold the burdens too big for me to bear. These songs reminded me that I serve an AMAZING God who actively works in my life on a very personal way. And as those songs rejuvenated my spirit, I felt the Holy Spirit inhabit me once more. I lifted my eyes to Heaven and raised my hands to the sky in praise, right there on the sidewalk in a Statue of Liberty costume. And I prayed, out loud, singing the words to the skies.
It was during that time that God reminded me He had been with me even before I had gone back to Him. The week before I had mumbled about me needing a pocket Bible for the Appalachian Trail, but that I didn't want to waste my own money on one (mind you, I was in a secret atheist state of mind at this point so I needed it for reputation, not for my own devotion). Moments later, a nice Christian couple pulls up and gives me a pocket Bible (King James version) AND a ten dollar bill. Then, right before the songs that changed my life came on this week, I had felt an overwhelming hate towards mankind. My job had made me grow to love my fellow man, for many gave kind waves and friendly smiles--but the day was not so pleasant. Based on one bad day, I had labeled humanity back to being moronic jerks. And then a young man pulled up beside me and gave me a beautiful orange flower, rekindling my belief that there really is some good in the world.
Finally, God is working feverishly to bring my life back on track now that I have welcomed Him back into it. My favored cat, Geronimo, had been missing for a couple days. I stayed out until 1130PM looking for him last night and finally retired to my bed in solemn defeat. This morning, he still wasn't coming home. I stumbled to my room and kneeled by my window in tears. I lifted my voice up to Jesus, asking for my Geronimo back. As I opened my eyes, who do I see staring from the driveway into my window at me? Geronimo! You see, God answers prayers, even to those who fall and fall again. I like to think of myself as another Mary Magdalene, the woman who Jesus cast seven demons out of. Everyone stumbles and falls, sometimes even to the same sins over and over again. But He will be faithful and as long as we earnestly plead, Jesus is willing to forgive the most unforgivable things.
Because, the truth is, we all need saving every once in a while, and He is big enough to do it.
