If you ask someone what they think of me, often the response will be a Christian with some mild mood issues. That's what I appear to be on skin level. A good little Christian girl that sometimes lets people push her buttons. That's just if you ask a random person who knows me. But if you really want to know who I am, ask those who I am really close to. They will give another short, only slightly surprising answer: she's a Christian girl with a sharp tongue and some confidence issues. That is almost right...almost. If you ask me, I will act all macho and say that I'm a Christian who falls short of God every day but stands back up after every trial.
Lies. Every single one of them.
You might be thinking that the description outside the term "Christian" are what I say are lies, but that just is not true. Until recently, I had been in a slow moving slump with my faith. Now, I knew I was far from being a model Christian. I have many flaws I will always be working on. But the fact of the matter is I did think I was strong by my keeping faith when life hit some rough waters last year. I thought my heart was beating normally and my foes all forgiven. The pain was gone...
Another lie. It was only hiding.
Way back when I joined the church about two years ago, I was one of those "display Christian's". I wore the shirt of Jesus, but I only acted as such because my friends were all God-fearing beings. After some time I was chipped away at and eventually my heart accepted the Lord as my own personal Saviour. Life was good. Very good. Perfect, even.
Within a relatively short amount of time, that existence came crumbling down around my feet. I got depressed. I got angry. I screamed. I cursed. I cried. I questioned God. But like the good little robot I was, I wanted to please certain people so I buried the feelings. It took some time, but I eventually even convinced myself that the pain was gone. That the absolute and utter hate had been vanquished. That I was a good little Christian who loved the world and everything in it.
This past Sunday, I was blessed with visiting the church of my much loved English teacher, Arie May. Normally when I visited another's church, it was more for the fellowship of it and the curiosity. I'm a Saturday attendee and all other services are mere pleasures....But this was different. I walked in and, despite being uncomfortable at first, I began to feel an odd peace come over me. Before I could get too settled into a state of spiritual awakening, the service ended and we all made our way to lunch. Then Ms. May and I took off for some ice cream so I could show off my local general store. As we explored it, she offered me the opportunity to go back for the evening mass with her. I lept onto the idea enthusiastically and soon found myself, once again, sitting in the Bible Truth Tabernacle pews.
This service progressed in an even more entrancing way than the morning one. I found myself "dancing" with the other members, singing as loud as my lungs allowed. Then prayer began. At this point, I had tapered off and started back into my shell I put on when things begin hitting a more personal piece of my heart. This shell had even me in mystery as to what my heart really felt. I knew there was some emotion in there somewhere, but it was locked away and I had lost the key.
One of my best friends, Amanda, came over with a friend of hers. Amanda was in tears and she put her arms around me while praying for the world to hear. Her friend saw my lips twitch and assured me that crying was okay, told me it was just Jesus coming into my heart and that I should let Him in. I closed my eyes and soon I felt Ms. May's hand on my back and heard her uttering prayers as well. Moments later, the pastor's hand was on my forehead and he was praying for me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't cry. I don't believe in crying with so many eyes on me. This was all against everything I held dear. Heck, I didn't know what bothered me so no way was I about to discover myself in front of so many people!
Afterwards, I had still not cried. Amanda and I sat down, Ms. May taking a seat on my other side. The woman offered a kind smile and then I admitted that I did not believe in crying in public because it made me feel weak. She patted me reassuringly and told me she understood, saying I could cry in private if that was where I best heard Jesus.
Later, in the car, she inquired as to what I thought of her church. "Well, Sister Arie," I began with a smile for I rather liked the church's habit of calling everyone Sister and Brother, "it was a very different experience and I enjoyed every second of it!" My enthusiastic smile faltered and slipped into a blank mask once more. "Sorry I did not cry...I just...I did not realize my heart ached so much."
"Lindsay, I have been meaning to ask you about what happened with you and the old church. I remember you writing something about all was perfect and then everything went wrong...Don't feel obligated to share, but I suspect that is what is clouding your heart and holding it tight."
"You're right, Ms. May." I then went into the details of the situation, unable to keep the burden to myself any longer. That pain and anger that I had thought I had previously vanquished, was alive and well, waking from hibernation, fed by the church I had just taken part in. The church let me know that feeling these things were okay, I just had to release it out and trust in God with it.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and don't lean on your own understanding. In all things acknowledge him, and he shall direct your way. Proverbs 3:5, 6
This is more of a personal narrative than I feel is proper for a Sabbath sermon, but I felt it gave a clear example of why we must not let our comfort zones rule our lives. If I had not gone outside my bubble, I would still have that pain and anger locked in my heart because, however much I love my church, it just wasn't what I needed to confront those hidden emotions. Albert Einstein once said that the definition to insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
So, Brothers and Sisters, go above and beyond the routine you now follow. There may be something bothering you, in a crevice that God can't/won't go without your permission. The only way to release it is to do something different, something that will speak directly to that little bother and make it lunge forward to a place where you can tackle it and hand it to God. Satan wants you to find a comfort zone. Once it is in place, it is hard to overcome. And as Einstein explained, nothing will change if the pattern remains the same.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Friday, May 06, 2011
Give Up the Remote
Have you ever seen Click? It is a movie with Adam Sandler with this amazing remote that can control life; fast forward, rewind, pause...all those fancy buttons that come in handy on a television remote control. He is able to pause when he needs a breather, skip forward when life hits a burdensome streak, rewind to see where he had messed up.
Do you ever feel like you could use a remote like that? I know I do. A lot. More now than ever before. You see, it is testing time for High Schools across America. Not just any tests, but Advanced Placement (AP) testing. These are the big tests we have all been training for all year...or should have been. If we pass the test, we save around $1500 on college tuition. But if we fail, well, that is a waste of a year's Hardwork. And I do mean Hardwork with a capital "H". Even someone like me who has done the minimal all year has had to work until you drop. I don't study, I simply do the hand in work and pass by with an average grade (a "B" or so). Sure I fail every test, sure I don't actually get the information to stay in my head, but I am passing. That is all that matters.
Yesterday was a day of recognition. I am close with my Pre-AP Chemistry teacher so I sit and talk with her every morning. Well, Thursday morning she made a comment that drilled instantly into my very soul. "So, your Biology class today is your last one before the AP Biology exam!" My smile dropped. My heart stopped. I gasped and shouted a loud "Dangit". I was so preoccupied with enjoying myself that I had let it slip from my mind what was approaching. I had not studied all year. In fact, I did not know how to begin studying because I had never studied in my life. I knew that if I walked in to the exam at that moment I would get the lowest possible score.
I lost it.
The rest of the day was littered with bouts of tears. I was going to fail. I had thrown $1500, that could have been used for college, down the drain. My irresponsibility had put me behind. There was nothing in my mind that said I could do it. I looked around for people to hand me a magic hat that could instantly inject the knowledge into my head. I wanted a special remote to rewind time so I could take the year's classes over again so I could learn the material. No, I just wanted to press the pause button and make it so the test never came. I had given up before I had even started. I let myself get buried. I threw tantrums when I got home, full of self-loathing as I buckled under the pressure. "Why should I study? There is no way I can cram a year's knowledge into my head in three days! I give up!"
Crying, I lay with my head buried in papers. They were biology papers for I had considered studying. I instead had lost myself in my own misery and used the papers to hide my shame and wipe away my tears. Why even bother taking the test? Why give the effort when it would all be mute? "Lindsay, go take a hike and pray. Then come home when this is all out of your system." My mom made the suggestion and left my room, leaving it up to me whether to act on it or not. Minutes passed as I continued to wallow in hate, but I eventually climbed to my feet, put on my shoes, ran out the door, jumped over my fence, and ran through the trees until I came to my Prayer Spot.
I am a strong believer in never ceasing to pray. I tend to converse with God with each step I take. But there are not many times I fall to my knees and spill myself before the Lord. Only in my special little crevice beside a gently running creek with the water bugs and frogs and dragonflies, and occasionally deer watching me, can I look to the sky and scream. I know God can hear my silent thoughts, but here is where I know no-one can hear me. This is my spot. I made the trail to it and it looked overgrown whenever I went so I know no-one had made use of it. Here is where I challenge God, cursing Him. I know He hears me and forgives me for the hurtful things I say. I know He does not deserve the accusations I place against Him. But only when I lay them out on the table do I even realize they have been festering in my heart. I shock myself quite often when I begin emptying everything out in my little, protected Haven from the world. In this spot by the creek, my deepest secrets have been shouted. My fears and pains that I did not even know I had come flying past my lips.
This is where I remember that I can not be in control.
As I shouted to the Heavens, crying out in hate, shame, sorrow, and whatever negative emotion that can be piled on there, I came to the point where I fell silent. Blinking rapidly as one often does when the wires connect in the far corner of the brain, the corner with the shadows and cobwebs, I wiped away my tears. Peace began to envelope me and I could imagine God, whom had been sitting silently like a father waiting for their child to come to their own conclusion, smiling and nodding His head. He knew I had come to understand that it was time to give up the remote.
I could not keep pausing and rewinding my life. I had tried to handle it all on my own, balance the stress of everyday life and this new addition of the AP Biology exam. But I am so weak. Psalm 62:8 says,"Trust in Him at all times…. pour out your heart before him. God is a refuge for us." As Matthew 19:26 states, only through God are all things possible, even those things that are impossible for men.
In the movie, Click, Sandler's character finds his whole life fast-forwarded. His life is in ruins; his wife had divorced him, his kids are hateful towards him, he's overweight. At the end he dies, but then his life is rewinded. He finds that special remote again and simply throws it away, having learned that he is unable to have that kind of power. Will you be like Sandler, who gives up the remote, knowing he can not do it himself? Or will you continue to keep that remote in your hands, trying to balance it all alone? You have someone who is willing and able to help, you just have to give up the remote.
Do you ever feel like you could use a remote like that? I know I do. A lot. More now than ever before. You see, it is testing time for High Schools across America. Not just any tests, but Advanced Placement (AP) testing. These are the big tests we have all been training for all year...or should have been. If we pass the test, we save around $1500 on college tuition. But if we fail, well, that is a waste of a year's Hardwork. And I do mean Hardwork with a capital "H". Even someone like me who has done the minimal all year has had to work until you drop. I don't study, I simply do the hand in work and pass by with an average grade (a "B" or so). Sure I fail every test, sure I don't actually get the information to stay in my head, but I am passing. That is all that matters.
Yesterday was a day of recognition. I am close with my Pre-AP Chemistry teacher so I sit and talk with her every morning. Well, Thursday morning she made a comment that drilled instantly into my very soul. "So, your Biology class today is your last one before the AP Biology exam!" My smile dropped. My heart stopped. I gasped and shouted a loud "Dangit". I was so preoccupied with enjoying myself that I had let it slip from my mind what was approaching. I had not studied all year. In fact, I did not know how to begin studying because I had never studied in my life. I knew that if I walked in to the exam at that moment I would get the lowest possible score.
I lost it.
The rest of the day was littered with bouts of tears. I was going to fail. I had thrown $1500, that could have been used for college, down the drain. My irresponsibility had put me behind. There was nothing in my mind that said I could do it. I looked around for people to hand me a magic hat that could instantly inject the knowledge into my head. I wanted a special remote to rewind time so I could take the year's classes over again so I could learn the material. No, I just wanted to press the pause button and make it so the test never came. I had given up before I had even started. I let myself get buried. I threw tantrums when I got home, full of self-loathing as I buckled under the pressure. "Why should I study? There is no way I can cram a year's knowledge into my head in three days! I give up!"
Crying, I lay with my head buried in papers. They were biology papers for I had considered studying. I instead had lost myself in my own misery and used the papers to hide my shame and wipe away my tears. Why even bother taking the test? Why give the effort when it would all be mute? "Lindsay, go take a hike and pray. Then come home when this is all out of your system." My mom made the suggestion and left my room, leaving it up to me whether to act on it or not. Minutes passed as I continued to wallow in hate, but I eventually climbed to my feet, put on my shoes, ran out the door, jumped over my fence, and ran through the trees until I came to my Prayer Spot.
I am a strong believer in never ceasing to pray. I tend to converse with God with each step I take. But there are not many times I fall to my knees and spill myself before the Lord. Only in my special little crevice beside a gently running creek with the water bugs and frogs and dragonflies, and occasionally deer watching me, can I look to the sky and scream. I know God can hear my silent thoughts, but here is where I know no-one can hear me. This is my spot. I made the trail to it and it looked overgrown whenever I went so I know no-one had made use of it. Here is where I challenge God, cursing Him. I know He hears me and forgives me for the hurtful things I say. I know He does not deserve the accusations I place against Him. But only when I lay them out on the table do I even realize they have been festering in my heart. I shock myself quite often when I begin emptying everything out in my little, protected Haven from the world. In this spot by the creek, my deepest secrets have been shouted. My fears and pains that I did not even know I had come flying past my lips.
This is where I remember that I can not be in control.
As I shouted to the Heavens, crying out in hate, shame, sorrow, and whatever negative emotion that can be piled on there, I came to the point where I fell silent. Blinking rapidly as one often does when the wires connect in the far corner of the brain, the corner with the shadows and cobwebs, I wiped away my tears. Peace began to envelope me and I could imagine God, whom had been sitting silently like a father waiting for their child to come to their own conclusion, smiling and nodding His head. He knew I had come to understand that it was time to give up the remote.
I could not keep pausing and rewinding my life. I had tried to handle it all on my own, balance the stress of everyday life and this new addition of the AP Biology exam. But I am so weak. Psalm 62:8 says,"Trust in Him at all times…. pour out your heart before him. God is a refuge for us." As Matthew 19:26 states, only through God are all things possible, even those things that are impossible for men.
In the movie, Click, Sandler's character finds his whole life fast-forwarded. His life is in ruins; his wife had divorced him, his kids are hateful towards him, he's overweight. At the end he dies, but then his life is rewinded. He finds that special remote again and simply throws it away, having learned that he is unable to have that kind of power. Will you be like Sandler, who gives up the remote, knowing he can not do it himself? Or will you continue to keep that remote in your hands, trying to balance it all alone? You have someone who is willing and able to help, you just have to give up the remote.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)